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Monday, December 20, 2010

Another day at home in my pajamas.

For those who are still able to work, that must sound luxurious. 

 For me, it's become a sort of meloncholy hazy  hamster cage-like hell. 

I think it's just the repetition of days, turning into weeks of the same routine in the same house.  I do things to keep myself busy such as artwork and photography.  It helps me to stay active, and the internet has been a key component of keeping me at least half sane.  I love people, but hate leaving my house.  I have talked to other m.s. patients who feel the same way.  It's hard to describe how I feel.  

I try to go out and the panic sets in.  The lights in stores are bright and hurt my eyes.  I usually end up with a headache, and people look at me funny if I wear sunglasses indoors.  I've tried it believe it or not.  They look at me funny with my cane anyway, so I'm use to getting stares.  That part doesn't bother me.  It's how my body feels that starts getting the best of me.  My legs get heavy, as if my shoes are increasing in weight little by little as I walk.  It gets difficult to breathe and my lungs get tingly.  My head feels like a bowling ball on my neck.  I don't mean to complain.  I'm just explaining what it's like, because the hard part is going out and being able to enjoy myself when I feel that way.  It's just easier to stay at home and not feel so bad. 

 Perhaps a little symptom control will give me some of my life back.  I'm not sure what can be done about that heavy feeling in my legs.  After about 50 ft of walking, my muscles tense up and ache, and my legs collapse.  It makes going to the mall difficult.  A wheelchair does help a great deal, and allows me to enjoy shopping so much more.  I just try not to use one for as long as I am able to walk at all.  Sometimes I have no choice, especially at large department stores, malls, and wal mart.  

I do crave going out once in awhile, but what use to be a minor trip now feels like a big day out to me.  I have three ferrets already but maybe I need more pets.  Hmm.   

The photo is a picture that I took of my own feet back in the year 2000.  It is part of a series on my facebook called walking in my shoes.