Another day at home in my pajamas.

For those who are still able to work, that must sound luxurious. 

 For me, it's become a sort of meloncholy hazy  hamster cage-like hell. 


I think it's just the repetition of days, turning into weeks of the same routine in the same house.  I do things to keep myself busy such as artwork and photography.  It helps me to stay active, and the internet has been a key component of keeping me at least half sane.  I love people, but hate leaving my house.  I have talked to other m.s. patients who feel the same way.  It's hard to describe how I feel.  


I try to go out and the panic sets in.  The lights in stores are bright and hurt my eyes.  I usually end up with a headache, and people look at me funny if I wear sunglasses indoors.  I've tried it believe it or not.  They look at me funny with my cane anyway, so I'm use to getting stares.  That part doesn't bother me.  It's how my body feels that starts getting the best of me.  My legs get heavy, as if my shoes are increasing in weight little by little as I walk.  It gets difficult to breathe and my lungs get tingly.  My head feels like a bowling ball on my neck.  I don't mean to complain.  I'm just explaining what it's like, because the hard part is going out and being able to enjoy myself when I feel that way.  It's just easier to stay at home and not feel so bad. 


 Perhaps a little symptom control will give me some of my life back.  I'm not sure what can be done about that heavy feeling in my legs.  After about 50 ft of walking, my muscles tense up and ache, and my legs collapse.  It makes going to the mall difficult.  A wheelchair does help a great deal, and allows me to enjoy shopping so much more.  I just try not to use one for as long as I am able to walk at all.  Sometimes I have no choice, especially at large department stores, malls, and wal mart.  


I do crave going out once in awhile, but what use to be a minor trip now feels like a big day out to me.  I have three ferrets already but maybe I need more pets.  Hmm.   


The photo is a picture that I took of my own feet back in the year 2000.  It is part of a series on my facebook called walking in my shoes.  

2:30 In the morning, and still no sleep.

Well, I'm still awake.  I feel exhausted but my body just will not fall asleep, and I'm supposed to go Christmas shopping in the morning with a friend.   I don't have that many friends these days, mostly due to my M.S., so when a friend asks to spend time with me, no matter how bad I feel, I try to jump on the opportunity.  Shopping is getting more difficult for me, because the muscles in my legs seem to give out, and collapse after about 50 feet of walking.  My leg braces help keep my feet pointing in the right direction whenever I walk so my walking looks much more normal, and is less strenuous on me.


When I first got my leg braces, I hated them, but now they are my friend, because they keep me mobile and help me get where I need to go.  I just wish that they looked a bit more attractive.  I am getting some new shoes to wear with them.  As you can see, the shoes that I have are well beaten up from stumbling so much.

Tonight I noticed some numbness in both of my legs, and hope it clears up in the next day or so on it's own.  If not, I will have to call my neurologist and report it.  I'm hoping not to have another round of steroids.


Since I'm having a friend over tomorrow, I'm hoping to finally get the star put on top of the Christmas tree so that I can take a picture of it to share on this blog.  It's such a beautiful tree!!!!    Anyway, off to bed to try to get at least a little bit of sleep.  I can't wait to see how tomorrow turns out.  Shopping is difficult for me because of my legs.  Fortunately, many major stores provide electric scooters, which help me a great deal, and help me feel more independent.  I just wish that those baskets on the front of the scooters at walmart were larger.  They must think that handicapped people don't need to buy much.